HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
