areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
