seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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