Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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