You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
