I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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