How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i drank out of a bidet.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
