I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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