there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
