so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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