I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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