You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
