I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
