I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
