More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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