By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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