You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
