worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Come see our sink grown plant.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize