Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
