Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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