the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
