I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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