Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
cat food counts as protein by the way
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
