I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Randomize
