im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
