just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
