my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize