after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
