someone get that fucking seahorse.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
