Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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