Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
