Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
