i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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