I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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