I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
