i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
