Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
