i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
