So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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