you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
