When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
