and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
