If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
