i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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