while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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