what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
