You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize