last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
