Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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