Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Send help, water and tortillas.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
