Need sex. Gaining weight.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
