If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
