grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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