I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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