If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
