my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
