Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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