from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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