I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
